These are just short stories, anecdotes and obsevations I write sometimes for myself that are hard to categorize and help me to avoid doing any useful work
CONCERNING MONKEYS
I once told my mother while trying to be funny that if you see a person with a monkey, the monkey will turn out to be a lot smarter than it looks and the person will turn out to be a lot dumber than they look.
I had read and remembered that line from some story. I thought it was a funny line and used it in the first conversation I had with anyone when the subject of monkeys came up. It was in this conversation, concerning monkeys, with my mother, that I learned for the very first time that as a child my mother had owned a monkey. I still find the story I read about monkeys quite funny, but I no longer try to get a laugh with the remark about monkeys and their owners.
Wanting to be funny, trying to be amusing by saying an off the cuff, ad lib, witty remark can destroy a persons life in a few stony silent seconds, but once you have made your third grade class mate blow milk out their nose and nearly die from something funny you have said there is no going back.. But there are dangers.
I remember hearing a third rate comic get a laugh with the remark" Isn’t it a shame when cousins marry?" to describe the stupid decision or action of another person. I would often get a cheap laugh with this remark. One day Angel. one of my best friends at work, told me quietly but firmly after I said the line about marrying cousins, " You know Bob, my mother and father are cousins." I stopped using that line.
When something inexplicably odd happened at work and would cause everything to go wrong for no apparent reason I would try to get a laugh with the comment’ Those damn albinos". What were the odds of offending anyone? I soon learned a sisters coworker was an albino. I learned I could do less than terrible Scottish and Indian accents and used them at work until one day I was doing my Indian accent and my bosses boss, Vimahreshpandu Patel overheard me and gave me a dirty look.
When I think back, there was only one time in my whole life when trying to be funny by saying something silly was worth it. Often in a persons life they think back to a social situation and wish they had said something different. At least once in my life I said the perfect thing at the perfect moment in which I would change nothing.. How many can say that?
My boss at the time was Diana . She was the first Chemical Engineer Supervisor where I worked, she was a pretty good boss as bosses go but could be a bit snooty at times.. One day in the manufacturing area she took me aside to introduce me to another woman engineer that had just been hired. Diana said to Susan, " Susan, This is our Group Leader......." And she paused for about 6 seconds as she had forgotten my name. I stuck out my hand to Susan and said in a low but firm faintly Scottish accent and said, " Bond.... James Bond."
Susan got an enormous smile and Diana started sputtering, " I know your name, it’s......Bob....Bob, Bob, Bob!
It was perhaps the only perfect moment in my life in which I would not want to change anything. Although sometimes, I do have a yearning for a monkey.
Robb Moffett
March 18,2008